From Grievance to Grace 

Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you (Colossians 3.13)

Reflection

Two themes are central to forgiveness. One is the forgiveness Christ gives to undeserving humans. The other is the forgiveness humans are to show toward each other. Both are reflected in the Lord’s Prayer: ‘Forgive us our sins, for we also forgive everyone who sins against us’ (Luke 11.4).

With such robust biblical and theological foundations, why do we find forgiving someone who has wronged us so hard? One reason could be the pervasive lie that we need to live according to our truth. This often involves focusing on any neglect, abuse or trauma we may have experience, as that should help explain and excuse our behaviour. Social media brims with victimhood-based advice about handling people, relationships, and work cultures that are toxic. 

It is, of course, only natural to be left with hurt feelings when we have been wronged. Our emotions are God-given and they can provide helpful signals when something is amiss. But in the verse above the Apostle Paul, reflecting Jesus’ teaching, makes forgiveness a command: we must forgive. He does not say we should forgive. Nor does he say that we need only forgive if certain conditions are met. As in the case of Jesus’ teaching, the command is unconditional.

Our response to this can so often be one of resistance. We want there to be accountability, an apology, an admission of wrong, before we even contemplate forgiveness. We want justice to be done. Earthly justice is of course good, and something we may need to fight for, if necessary through legal means. But the Bible makes it clear that God calls us to forgive as we are forgiven – with no strings attached – and that if we do not, we cannot expect God to forgive us (Lk 6.37, Mt 6.14). Forgiveness is, in other words, does not stop with the recipient. The recipient of forgiveness needs to become the giver of forgiveness if the recipient is to remain a recipient.

It is easy to resist all this because we fear that, in unconditionally forgiving someone, we are granting that person permission regarding the wrong they have done. We feel we would be denying the severity of their wrongdoing and of the hurt they have caused. We would be trying to erase memories that are too painful to forget. But forgiveness is not a magic button that cancels memory. Instead, it provides a freedom of heart that enables us, eventually, to remember without pain.

Imagine we have a valid grievance about someone we work with. In response, we say some things about that person to other colleagues. We do so in an attempt to find validation for our thoughts and feelings about the perpetrator’s mistreatment of us. This gives us a sense of relief, as we feel supported in the burden we were carrying. But then we happen to read in the above verse from Colossians ‘Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone’. We try to forgive but our grievance, and the disturbed emotions that have attached themselves to it, remain. What do we do?

We may need to seek advice or counselling from someone we trust. Even then, we may find we need to lay down multiple times our hurt, anger, and desire for retribution. How then will we know when we have finally and fully forgiven someone? A good gauge is to see how we feel when they are blessed. Or examine our response when they encounter adversity. If we (respectively) burn with anger and secretly rejoice, we need to probably still need to relinquish before God some hurt we are holding onto and pray for healing.

We will know we have forgiven someone when we genuinely will the best for that person. We may still have memories but we have allowed God to heal us of the hurt attached to them. Fully receiving God’s forgiveness will have made us willing to give forgiveness to others.

None of this is easy and it may not be instant. Patience and persistent prayer will be required. It may take time for our hearts to surrender and to be put right before God. In the work context in particular, the perpetrator may need to be held accountable. Codes of professional conduct may have been breached and reputations damaged. 

However, holding someone accountable must not be confused with being forgiving towards that person. Accountability opens up the possibility of reparation and reconciliation, whereas unforgiveness brings only stress, guilt, and the prolonging of hurt and strife. Whether or not justice is done in this life, we know we can trust the God of justice. In the meantime, we need to lay unforgiveness down at the feet of the one who laid down his life for our forgiveness and reconciliation. He will turn our grievance to grace.

Author

Lisa Lazell, Area Manager Health and Social Care.